shadowing photographs

so what is the deal? what day will it be when i stop feeling like throwing a tantrum? when i will stop feeling like i literally want to throw myself down on the floor kicking and screaming and rolling side to side?

why do kids throw tantrums? i think its because they need attention. since they arent getting positive reinforcement, they will demand negative. is that what i am doing? do i think if i roll around and cause a mess that i will get more out of the one who loves me?

he wont be manipulated.

i am just frustrated. my mind wants so badly to latch on to all that is being revealed. but it cant. its like having a specific word on the tip of you tongue or remembering the ideas of a dream but not the details. its right on the edge of realization, of actualization. then BAM its gone.

i smell lavender and i am tired. i am off work tomorrow. thank the lord.

the tetanus

i got the tetanus. its a real thing you know, tetanus. why else do we get the shot?

we get the flu shot to battle the flu and we get the tetanus shot to battle the tetanus.

so i got my tetanus shot. no i didnt rub rutsted metal in my open wounds, i am just updating all my records before i go to england this summer.

so here is the deal. when i got my check up, my tempurature was 99.3 degrees. this is kind of high for me. i usually run between 97.7 to 97.9 degrees. so when i saw 99.3 degrees on tuesday, i was wondering why i was running a low grade fever... i still dont know but what i do know is that by wednesday, i had a fever of 100.8.

i went home after my 5am-1:30pm shift at work and laid down for a nap. i was unusually tired and my body ached. i figured i would have a nap then clean the house then do my homework and make some dinner. little did i know what my day would become once i woke up again.

i woke up with what felt like ice sicles haning off my arms and legs and toes but my face and eyes balls were on fire. every move i made hurt. i was dizzy and hungry with no appetite. so i layered on the sweats and socks and jumped back under the blankets. it wasnt enough. i called my sister the nurse. TAKE MEDS she says. I HATE MEDS i say. but i crawl to the cabinet and pop a couple of ibprophen then crawl back to the couch. a few hours later i was back to normal but exhausted.

but then 4 am rolled around again and i did not have to be up for work yet i was up. cold shivering and aching. MOTHER OF PEARL. that is right. it started all over again.

its sick really. my body that is. we can be so strong and determined and disciplined but the second the tetanus hits... P.O.W.

here it is, 6:20 the next evening and i am at 99.5. ugh. here we go again.

its time

the last day...

kind of sad. but i have learned a ton. i mean, i honestly didnt realize the depth of blogging. my only experience has been friend's personal journals... but there is more to it.

i just never thought about it.

now its time for a new class. advanced composition... i have no idea what to expect. i mean, outside of writing.

i am tired. i imagined myself in grad school, i imagined myself focused on school. i was wrong. with every semester i become more and more involved in my life outside of school. its been tough. some weeks i drown in my schedule. i wouldnt survive having to BE in class instead of BE in my office for school.

its been a compact and full eight weeks. so much transition in my life. i have let things slip and lost focus on my goals but i think i will survive.

one more set of eight weeks, then.. off to england. i can here the call from across the atlantic. i cant wait. but then some days i can. i have a lot to do between now and then.

write write write. now is the time to write.

the fast lane

who here practices fasting? who here knows what it means to fast? and what's more... why would we fast?

i was talking to a friend of mine about the excess we live in culturally. every opportunity we have... we go out for dinner or lunch or breakfast even. any social gathering is encompassed by resturants or starbucks. if we want it... we go get it. and if we dont have the money, we borrow it.

how often do we say no? how often to we budget and discipline? how can we say no when we dont plan on it? we are unprepared to say no. we only say yes to more.

lent has already started. i missed the beginning and honestly i dont know what day it actually started BUT the point is... there is 40 days a year that some specific religious people set aside for "fasting." it seems to be the only time a year that it is acceptable and not seen as radical to give things up instead of get more.

so i am joining in. i have never joined in before... but i am sayin that today is the day i will say no. its been 7 days of saying no, and there will be 30 more. but all i can do today is say no.

i hope that on the other side of saying no, it will be more enjoyable to say yes, but easier to recognize my need for moderation in life.

new shoes

today is a new day. we are free from the past everyday because today is a new day.

its just like getting new shoes. shoes you have never walked in. your paths are fully fresh to those shoes. today is a new day, every path is a new path.

we are not bound to the days we have had already.

we live
we rest
we wake and go again

BUT

the good news is that today is not the same as yesterday.

this isnt about mourning mistakes or avoiding the past. this is about recognizing the freedom we have to be. to BE who we are. everyday is a new day to redefine ourselves. we are no longer tied to labels and reputations. we are no longer tied to the pain and the past. the joy from yesterday belongs to yesterday. today is a new day for a refreshed unstale happiness.

run into it. enjoy your day. enjoy your friends. if you are bored... i want to tell you there is more for you, more than mundane routine of the monday coming tomorrow. today is new.

love what you do. love the people around you. love transforms your life.

too bad for my love life

hahaha... that is what someone just commented to me. it is perfect. too bad for my love life.

i can breathe a sigh of relief somehow with that having been said. i dont know why. the work lovesick comes to mind. i am lovesick. there is a longing in me, but there is no one on the other end. too bad for my love life. hahaha...

i am not upset about it. i want to love. i think we culturally are sometimes afraid to love, afraid of what that will make you if you are rejected or what it will make you if you are not. or at least, in the mostly-single group i run with, that is an issue.

today isnt soley about my love life. really it isnt. i just feel uncertain today. uncertain about everything. WHY? who knows. maybe i need to feel this way at least once every other month so that i can feel pretty good all the other days when i dont care that i dont know what is next.

i dont feel like i have too many options. i have been overloaded by that before. but i have a few different questions i want answered. today i just want answers. but, i just dont know what i want.

hahhaaa... story of my life. i mean i used to think i knew what i wanted. and i have wanted it for so long that now i am like... wait, have my desires changed along the way? have i taken the time to ask my heart what i am passionate about lately, and is it the same as what i am striving for?

this is all so vague, i know.

but the specifics dont matter. you cant give me the answers. its just this inbetween place that i find unusually uncomfortable today. i think tomorrow i will go to the pool and swim. the rhythm of the water usually works out all the kinks in my mind.

too bad for my love life... hahahahahaaa. oh man.

PS. had tea with the guy yesterday. it was fun. it was a beautiful day.

give it that ole college try

i love hugh grant. dont misunderstand me, i am not IN love with the man. i just love him. like i love vanilla ice cream or jane austen.


i dont actually know the man. i just know his movies. maybe i love his accent. maybe i love that he always plays an underachiever in movies. i really connect to that. i mean, in my real life experience, men who are cowards are... well i am a like a fly to a flame.... but that doesnt mean they are any less destructive.


but in his movies, love makes him strong, makes him brave, makes him bold. having my own history of underachieving, i question if i connect to him b/c i do the same things his characters do OR is it that i am attracted to men who do those things...


its probably both.


i am a coward. its true. now you know it. i have been crushed before. my heart went from the statue of david to a print of it. three-d -->two -D. i am still recovering.


but then i see a hugh grant movie and i imagine myself being so transformed by love that i am not only healed but i am free to be loved... again. it is moving.


i know it is only a movie. i know i used to watch movies to forget my pain and then listen to music to remember. but there is hope for something different. you dont have to have a vision for what that difference is... you just have to believe.


and i do.