new shoes

today is a new day. we are free from the past everyday because today is a new day.

its just like getting new shoes. shoes you have never walked in. your paths are fully fresh to those shoes. today is a new day, every path is a new path.

we are not bound to the days we have had already.

we live
we rest
we wake and go again

BUT

the good news is that today is not the same as yesterday.

this isnt about mourning mistakes or avoiding the past. this is about recognizing the freedom we have to be. to BE who we are. everyday is a new day to redefine ourselves. we are no longer tied to labels and reputations. we are no longer tied to the pain and the past. the joy from yesterday belongs to yesterday. today is a new day for a refreshed unstale happiness.

run into it. enjoy your day. enjoy your friends. if you are bored... i want to tell you there is more for you, more than mundane routine of the monday coming tomorrow. today is new.

love what you do. love the people around you. love transforms your life.

too bad for my love life

hahaha... that is what someone just commented to me. it is perfect. too bad for my love life.

i can breathe a sigh of relief somehow with that having been said. i dont know why. the work lovesick comes to mind. i am lovesick. there is a longing in me, but there is no one on the other end. too bad for my love life. hahaha...

i am not upset about it. i want to love. i think we culturally are sometimes afraid to love, afraid of what that will make you if you are rejected or what it will make you if you are not. or at least, in the mostly-single group i run with, that is an issue.

today isnt soley about my love life. really it isnt. i just feel uncertain today. uncertain about everything. WHY? who knows. maybe i need to feel this way at least once every other month so that i can feel pretty good all the other days when i dont care that i dont know what is next.

i dont feel like i have too many options. i have been overloaded by that before. but i have a few different questions i want answered. today i just want answers. but, i just dont know what i want.

hahhaaa... story of my life. i mean i used to think i knew what i wanted. and i have wanted it for so long that now i am like... wait, have my desires changed along the way? have i taken the time to ask my heart what i am passionate about lately, and is it the same as what i am striving for?

this is all so vague, i know.

but the specifics dont matter. you cant give me the answers. its just this inbetween place that i find unusually uncomfortable today. i think tomorrow i will go to the pool and swim. the rhythm of the water usually works out all the kinks in my mind.

too bad for my love life... hahahahahaaa. oh man.

PS. had tea with the guy yesterday. it was fun. it was a beautiful day.

give it that ole college try

i love hugh grant. dont misunderstand me, i am not IN love with the man. i just love him. like i love vanilla ice cream or jane austen.


i dont actually know the man. i just know his movies. maybe i love his accent. maybe i love that he always plays an underachiever in movies. i really connect to that. i mean, in my real life experience, men who are cowards are... well i am a like a fly to a flame.... but that doesnt mean they are any less destructive.


but in his movies, love makes him strong, makes him brave, makes him bold. having my own history of underachieving, i question if i connect to him b/c i do the same things his characters do OR is it that i am attracted to men who do those things...


its probably both.


i am a coward. its true. now you know it. i have been crushed before. my heart went from the statue of david to a print of it. three-d -->two -D. i am still recovering.


but then i see a hugh grant movie and i imagine myself being so transformed by love that i am not only healed but i am free to be loved... again. it is moving.


i know it is only a movie. i know i used to watch movies to forget my pain and then listen to music to remember. but there is hope for something different. you dont have to have a vision for what that difference is... you just have to believe.


and i do.

having tea

so how do you interpret an invitation to tea with someone you dont know and is an american?

what if 4 weeks ago i got an invitation to have tea with this person and i have been called and messaged about it at least once a week since then. i mean, i should believe that this person really wants to meet yeah? haha that sounds funny. i mean, i sound ridiculous.

but the deal is, its this guy i hardly know and i dont know to read gave me a "tea" invitation. i mean, seriously, what does that mean?

our times have not matched up yet. but i just keep thinking he doesnt mean what he says. of course i dont know him well enough to know if he really means it or not. and i am probably a jerk for questioning it in the first place but. . . but. . . its what i do.

plus i am busy. i dont want to make time for this if he is just wasting my time...

boys. they complicate my life. dont they know i am in graduate school?

a dialogue

mike gee: keri where have you been? i have been waiting and waiting for you to blog. all week i have been sitting by the computer waiting for the update. i havent even been able to enjoy billie piper. doctor who isnt what is was before you disappeared.

keri: hey mike, man i am sorry... (getting cut off)

mike gee: NO EXCUSES. you are a jerk. my eyes are swollen. my brain is bored. i just ache all over like i have the flu. if you would just post again, if only... (breaks into tears)

keri: mike, seriously get a grip. dont be a big baby. i have been ridiculously busy.

(mike turns his back to keri)

keri: mike look at me. just look at me for a second.

(mike turns with a hint of forgiveness)

keri: i got you something while i was out of town. i got it in kansas city while i was away. its just for you. i didnt forget. here:

just like a pillow

so i left. part of the separation between me and him required me leaving a particular social group. so i left.

they have been my comfortable reading chair, my swimming pool, my familiar books. they are my family. but it is time to change things. time to change everything. break habits and comfortable living. time to take the steps. life is the movement between each landing. or so says a certain german philosopher.

i love that image. life is the movement between each step. when you land you are stationary and only existing. but when there is movement there is life. such imagery! such, such, such - life.

i want that life for me. so i left.

they are still my friends. they will still be my family. but our time now will be intential instead of habitual. the problem is the issue of time. time time time. oh time. i dont know what you mean except impending doom. or somedays it means my pillow is near again.

i stopped wearing a watch. i may have become less aware of the measurement of time itself but i feel its weight on my shoulders like fat man standing on his tippy toes using my body for a ladder.

but i will win. it will all get done. it will all be reconciled. life will happen. progress will be made. and i will still find my pillow at some point throughout the night.