shadowing photographs

so what is the deal? what day will it be when i stop feeling like throwing a tantrum? when i will stop feeling like i literally want to throw myself down on the floor kicking and screaming and rolling side to side?

why do kids throw tantrums? i think its because they need attention. since they arent getting positive reinforcement, they will demand negative. is that what i am doing? do i think if i roll around and cause a mess that i will get more out of the one who loves me?

he wont be manipulated.

i am just frustrated. my mind wants so badly to latch on to all that is being revealed. but it cant. its like having a specific word on the tip of you tongue or remembering the ideas of a dream but not the details. its right on the edge of realization, of actualization. then BAM its gone.

i smell lavender and i am tired. i am off work tomorrow. thank the lord.

the tetanus

i got the tetanus. its a real thing you know, tetanus. why else do we get the shot?

we get the flu shot to battle the flu and we get the tetanus shot to battle the tetanus.

so i got my tetanus shot. no i didnt rub rutsted metal in my open wounds, i am just updating all my records before i go to england this summer.

so here is the deal. when i got my check up, my tempurature was 99.3 degrees. this is kind of high for me. i usually run between 97.7 to 97.9 degrees. so when i saw 99.3 degrees on tuesday, i was wondering why i was running a low grade fever... i still dont know but what i do know is that by wednesday, i had a fever of 100.8.

i went home after my 5am-1:30pm shift at work and laid down for a nap. i was unusually tired and my body ached. i figured i would have a nap then clean the house then do my homework and make some dinner. little did i know what my day would become once i woke up again.

i woke up with what felt like ice sicles haning off my arms and legs and toes but my face and eyes balls were on fire. every move i made hurt. i was dizzy and hungry with no appetite. so i layered on the sweats and socks and jumped back under the blankets. it wasnt enough. i called my sister the nurse. TAKE MEDS she says. I HATE MEDS i say. but i crawl to the cabinet and pop a couple of ibprophen then crawl back to the couch. a few hours later i was back to normal but exhausted.

but then 4 am rolled around again and i did not have to be up for work yet i was up. cold shivering and aching. MOTHER OF PEARL. that is right. it started all over again.

its sick really. my body that is. we can be so strong and determined and disciplined but the second the tetanus hits... P.O.W.

here it is, 6:20 the next evening and i am at 99.5. ugh. here we go again.

its time

the last day...

kind of sad. but i have learned a ton. i mean, i honestly didnt realize the depth of blogging. my only experience has been friend's personal journals... but there is more to it.

i just never thought about it.

now its time for a new class. advanced composition... i have no idea what to expect. i mean, outside of writing.

i am tired. i imagined myself in grad school, i imagined myself focused on school. i was wrong. with every semester i become more and more involved in my life outside of school. its been tough. some weeks i drown in my schedule. i wouldnt survive having to BE in class instead of BE in my office for school.

its been a compact and full eight weeks. so much transition in my life. i have let things slip and lost focus on my goals but i think i will survive.

one more set of eight weeks, then.. off to england. i can here the call from across the atlantic. i cant wait. but then some days i can. i have a lot to do between now and then.

write write write. now is the time to write.

the fast lane

who here practices fasting? who here knows what it means to fast? and what's more... why would we fast?

i was talking to a friend of mine about the excess we live in culturally. every opportunity we have... we go out for dinner or lunch or breakfast even. any social gathering is encompassed by resturants or starbucks. if we want it... we go get it. and if we dont have the money, we borrow it.

how often do we say no? how often to we budget and discipline? how can we say no when we dont plan on it? we are unprepared to say no. we only say yes to more.

lent has already started. i missed the beginning and honestly i dont know what day it actually started BUT the point is... there is 40 days a year that some specific religious people set aside for "fasting." it seems to be the only time a year that it is acceptable and not seen as radical to give things up instead of get more.

so i am joining in. i have never joined in before... but i am sayin that today is the day i will say no. its been 7 days of saying no, and there will be 30 more. but all i can do today is say no.

i hope that on the other side of saying no, it will be more enjoyable to say yes, but easier to recognize my need for moderation in life.