the piggy bank

so i did it. i dipped in and bought the ticket. i spent well under $1,000 and i am officially going to england for 5 weeks.

i am sort of in shock and in need of a grilled cheese sandwich.

more on this later?

hard earned peace of mind

this is has been my week of ridiculous.

monday: being truckless i had to call for rides home from work. just like in high school. ugh. and in the middle of it all managed to get some of my guys together to PUSH start my truck in a starbucks parking lot. three of us hands on and running. the fourth in the drivers seat. "ok stop" then "GO JAIME" it was all really silly. we were still running after the truck zoomed on. but i was so happy it worked. so happy i tackled cordell with a big hug. he said it would work. i secretly didnt belive him.

tuesday: still truckless, beacause it was in the shop, i spent my free time at work tryin to call for a ride home and then for a ride to school. i had an hour and a half between the two. then i got a call from the car shop. IT WAS FIXED and i still had both arms and legs but could i have any less time to go pick it up? my sister showed up... unexpectedly. it all worked out.

wednesday: stayed late at work, avoiding my real life. finally after dark i was on my way home. i grabbed some chinese food and my beloved pepsi and headed home physically and emotionally exhausted. but if i can just get to my couch and lay there everything will be fine. i pulled up to my apartment. reached for my keys... and kept reaching and reaching. $@*% no keys. still no keys. called my sister. she laughed at me but she couldnt get home just yet. "keep looking and call me back" she said. still no keys. so so so i went to the windows. yes, that's right, i broke into my house in the dark and in the cold. and my keys, in my jacket pocket from the night before.

thursday: the day before my day off. finally have my truck back and it is good. ran some errands after work. went to the gym. got to get some pool time in after being MIA for about 2 weeks. with plenty of time for a nap before class, i headed out to my truck from the Y. where is my key? are you kidding me? where are my keys? MOTHER OF PEARL THIS IS RIDICULOUS. where are my F-ING KEYS??? yeah, locked out again. stupid. stupid stupid. called my sister. "YOU CAN JUST WALK HOME I AM NOT COMING TO GET YOU" she really said that. but then she laughed. bringing my tools.. yes i have tools... i broke into my truck. and let me just add that this is not the first time. nor is it the first time this month. hahahahaaaaaaaa. on my way home i stopped to get my sister a coke. went for my wallet... WHERE IN THE HELL IS MY DEBIT CARD? holy mother of zeus. i could have fallen over from incompetence that instant. but then my sister would have to come get me and she was already back home and you know it was just an overall bad idea.

its just now friday. my mental state seems to be one full of gaps. my mind is overloaded. i think i could probably sit at my desk and stare out the window most of the day.

i have earned it. its been a long week. just me and ben folds hangin out like the old days when i had time to hang out and all my free time wasnt scheduled into my planner. and i am still considering getting my PHD directly after MA. i think it might be easier than this.

the morning

so i am not gonna lie. i ended a very important relationship this last weekend. i have been so busy; i havent had much time to mourn. i think it is imparative and respectful to mourn the loss of anyone. he isnt dead. he isnt far away. it is just . . . over.

i suppose i could ignore it all. sweep it under the rug. stay as busy as possible and never think out him. but i think rejecting or ignoring my feelings devalues the time we did have. that is unfair and cowardly.

but on the flip side, it hurts. it hurts like hell. and somedays i am willing to do whatever it takes to not feel it at all. i fear the overwhelming power of sadness. it used to dominate my life. for 10 years i was sad. sad and sleepless. but i am not that girl. i am free.

so where is the balance? the even weight of feeling the pain and not being controlled by it?

this last week has been... unusual. one of the most elligible men in my social circle decided to ask me out. what? he must not know who he is dealing with... hahaha... and although the idea of tea and conversation is enticing, it isnt enough to ease the pain.

tonight's medication: beef lo mien and a can of pepsi, both of which are not included in my current menu.

weighted down

i am tempted to be the girl i have been before. the opportunity is here. i am sitting on the edge.
and yet, there is more to me now than before. more in me to battle with... more fight in me.

i look in the mirror and i want to scream. and scream and scream. and i just keep telling myself to feel, damn it just feel.

how do you cut heart strings without cutting a hole?

there is a war waging. there is something at stake. i dont want forget where i have been. dont want to forget. dont want to relive it and dont want to forget. but the temptations are there and i wonder what i will do given the opportunity to screw it up.

its a small crime, and i got no excuse. is that arlight? yeah. give my gun away when its loaded. is that alight? yeah. if i dont shoot it how my suppose to hold it? is that alright, yeah? leave me out with the waste. its the wrong place to be thinking of you.

things from the past creep up and its still me.

i see what is behind me, crumbling buildings and running away. burnt down bridges and broken hearts.

i am dreaming again. its been almost six months. i was walking down the hall and i saw him out of the corner of my eye. six foot four, bright red hair. i ran. i ran loud and fast. my heart was at stake and so i ran. grappling for my things i cleared the table and rushed for the door. i heard the loud running steps again but they were his now. then i was outside remembering to breathe. where was my coat? its cold. where is my coat? the table. i went back in. we were face to face. after all this time, an accidental meeting. i dont know what he was saying. i couldnt bear to hear him. he kept talking. make no eye contact, keep walking, find your coat, leave. it's all i could think. he was nervously talking. but the walls are thick now. he cant get in.

is that arlight? yeah. give my gun away when its loaded. is that alright yeah? if you dont shoot it how my suppose to hold it? -damien rice

its still me.

is that a warming orange scent?

i had a massage today. i usually get a massage twice a month if not more. sounds luxurious eh? well, it has more of an i-have-just-worked-out-for-like-3,000-hours-and-my-muscles-are-falling-of-my-bones sort of feel to it. but today... today was not muscle therapy. today was a relaxation massage for sure. but there was one problem:

a new masseuse.

she is a friend of mine who just moved to the city from tulsa. she is as green as she could be and does house calls. i think it is great. so flexible. on my time. she comes to me.... but then there is the issue of "removing as much as comfortable" line before we start.

naked? oh crap. i forgot about the naked-ness of it all.

dont get me wrong. i think we all have a secret love of being naked. we were just unashamed of it when we were little munchkins. in fact it is expected that we strip down every chance we get between the ages of 1-4. i think it partly has to do with fact that since our parents can at anytime expose our "parts" mid-diper change, we then absolutely are allowed to remove socks, shoes, pants and any other article of clothing at any given moment.

but here i was pre-massage and completely willing to go the full monty except the part that i know this girl well enough that we hang out sometimes but not well enough that we run around in our bras together.. you know what i mean?

i closed my eyes and jumped in. its what i usually do. just jump in and figure it out as i go. everything was fine until the more awkward question:

"keri, what are you more comfortable with? glute work on top of the sheet or without the sheet?"

hahahhaaaa..... oh man. that's a loaded question. it like asking someone when the baby is due... when there is no baby. or asking someone if their parents know they are gay... when they are not. either response implies more information than is being asked.

muted colors

i havent actually spoken a word today. not one. havent sung any songs. havent answered my phone. havent yelled at TV commercials. from 2pm to 10:30, i have been silent.

i am thinking plenty.

i wonder how long it takes, how many days of not speaking does it take for you to actually be unable to speak? is there a time frame for muscle atrophy in your neck? how much of forming words depends on your brain telling you how to do it? and how much of speaking come from the physical movement of forming the letters? but then there is the issue of sound which means air and vocal chords. its weird. so much goes into what seems like so little.

when is the last time you didnt talk? was it out of anger? isolation? depression? how often do people NOT talk by choice free from emotional influence? we talk so much. are we ever really quiet? surely there is a balance to be found.

i think it is probably healthy to take a break from talking. we overdo most things in our society. work. food. spending. entertainment. sex. always going after more. all this excess probably wouldnt bother me as much if there were times of abstinence to balance it out. a friend once said to me that we feast as a culture every chance we get. so many social encounters revolve around food. what if we fasted food regularly to bring some balance back into our lives?

so today i am not speaking.

about time

it happened today. in the middle of running errands, one of them taking a deposit to the bank for work, my truck stopped working. i had run into a store to drop off some coffee and upon my return... nothing.

i cranked and cranked with no response. was it the battery? was it the difibulator? the panifuklator? the smachulator?

who knew?

i called my sister. "hey stace, what are you doin?" she was busy. she was already carting around my good friend who locked his keys in the car and couldnt call me because i was at work. i explained my predicament and my location. in the background i could decipher a low voice bellowing "we are about to drive past that store." within 60 seconds, they arrived and i jumped in still on the clock.

after making the rounds for kyle and getting him safely returned to his own vehicle, we then changed direction and headed to taco cabana. that is right. i was on the clock, in the middle of a major cash handling violation having not taken the deposit straight to the bank, and coping with a potentially broken truck, we stopped by the taco cabana for some soft taco fun.
what are priorities when your stomache speaks?

now here it is, 8:55pm and my truck is still dead as was reconfirmed over hot chocolate with the jumper cables in tact. still nothing. with work creeping nearer and nearer, 4am is looking, well, cold. dang.

just checking

just testin the waters... wanna see what this guy looks like.